I had a dream last night. or this morning, rather. I only remember it because I was hitting the snooze button--something I rarely do since I've moved my alarm clock to the floor and I have to GET OUT OF BED to reach it. So yes, I lurched back into bed this morning. Twice.
But in my dream, I was talking to Dean Duncan--from whom I took the majority of my film classes. I was wearing this thin gold chain bracelet that kept catching the light as I talked, because I talk with my hands and the lighting was very a la Casablanca. He was just being nice, asking me how I've been and what I'm doing now and if I'm doing anything with film. As people tend to ask. But it was so terrifying to confess to Dean that I haven't done anything with film, nor am I likely to. I had nothing to say for myself. I felt like I'd wasted his time. Flashback to this weekend when Shannon was asking me about my mission. Or Sunday when Bishop Martino was asking me about my brother.
The thing is, I'm happy. But is that enough? Is that enough, in the end, to stand and be counted and all I have to say is, "I know it kinda looks like a mess, but I'm pretty happy with my life"?
And I think a lot of people I've talked to would say no. I can see it in their face.
I watched No Country for Old Men last night. What a good movie. It was so emphatically well done. The colors, the composition, the costumes, the dialogue, the acting. Everything was spot on. It lived up to everything I'd heard. And the Coen brothers absolutely deserved their Oscar.
And I can say that because of Dean. He taught me how to love movies. How to look at all the parts and find the treasures, the delights in film. And I think I'm a better person for it. But, I'm not the Coen brothers. It's just not in me. It never was. In the little featurette about working with the Coens, everyone interviewed kept saying, "They knew exactly what they wanted."
And right now, I just don't know what I want. I'm sorry. I don't know where to go from here. Right now is just right now. And I'm happy with right now.
How does one go about repairing a fault like that? And is it really my fault?
3 comments:
Though things aren't perfect or even near perfection, I am really happy. I think happiness is totally dependent of those with whom you come in contact. You have two girls who love you very much. Coen brothers or not, I think you're great.
PS: the bookmarks are almost finished.
Mal, I sometimes feel like I need to apologize for my Asian Studies degree...but, it was such an adventure to go to Japan and study something I truly am interested in. I take great pride that I pursued something uncommon and unconventional just for knowledge's sake!
You are so fantastic, Mal. I love your honest and fresh perspective on everything!
That's exactly how I felt a few years ago when I would tell people at work that I was going to stay home once I had kids! Like they thought I was wasting my life or something. Sheesh.
Like you said, your degree isn't going to waste - it taught you a lot and you ARE a better person for it.
I feel like I'm a better mom because of my degree. Not necessarily the specific degree, but because I GOT a degree, learned a lot, worked hard, made great friends, etc.
Oh, and by the way, good for you for hardly ever pushing snooze! When I was working janitorial at BYU, I would set my alarm like 20 minutes early so that I could push snooze a couple of times. Wish I could do that with the kids...
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